Standing in front of the elevator door
A few people get on, and then a few more
I'm gonna release a smell they'll abhor
That can best be described as olfactory gore
It's gonna go down as we pass the third floor
I'll fart really loud then get off on four

I love when you fart, I think it's just great
It's what I think of when I masturbate
Many will try but they can't duplicate
There are noises and smells that you can't replicate
No matter the cause, or the foods that you ate
If it lingers too long, we'll just fumigate
I don't get the derision, I don't get all the hate
I knew that I'd like it when you cleaned off your plate
It put me into a euphoria state
I bask in the odors that you helped create
Just take care to ensure that you don't defecate

Little Jack Horner
Farted in the corner
Because of some bad apple pie
He just couldn't believe it
When he bent down to squeeze it
Some shit trickled onto his thigh

I'll tell you right now that I wanna take a dump
Just squeeze one right out from the bowels of my rump
I can fart to the left and I can fart to the right
With a good plate of beans I can fart all night
I can fart alone or fart with a friend
So quietly listen to the sounds from my rear end
It could sound like a splat or a quack from a duck
And if you don't like it, well I don't give a fuck
All I gotta do is fart a little more
Just a few more times til my asshole is sore
And that's what I do, just fart everyday
From the master of farting, the great Toots McA

(To the tune of "Summer of '69" by Bryan Adams)

I got my first burrito
Bought it at the Taco Bell
Ate it til my stomach hurt
Should've known it wouldn't end well

Ordered the chalupa combo
Ate it fast, then pushed real hard
Jimmy died, Joe was unconscious
Should've gone to a salad bar

Oh, but when I look back now
I know that it was indigestion
Oh, but if I had the choice
I'd rather that than constipation
Those were the best farts of my life

Tired of all that straining
When I gotta take a poo
Spend my life down at the Wendy's
I get the number two, yeah

Sitting on my toilet bowl
You asked me how long I'd be in there
Oh, and then I felt relief
I knew that I'd have matted ass hair
Those were the best farts of my life

Oh Yeah
The chili was a dollar sixty-nine
Oh!

Man I was cutting cheese
I was fat and gassy
I needed to release
This smell's gonna last forever, forever

And now my ass is burning
Thanks to all the farts I've laid
Sometimes when I do the laundry
I get impressed with all the streaks I've made

Sitting on my toilet bowl
You asked me how long I'd be in there
Oh, and then I felt relief
I knew that I'd have matted ass hair
Those were the best farts of my life

Who denied it supplied it, or that's what they say
But what do I do about the fart I didn't lay
I'm Toots McAnus, so I know what they think
They all look at me every time there's a stink
This time I'm blameless, but how can I prove it
I have a bad rep and I need to remove it
But what good will that do, it won't change their mind
They're already disgusted by my big, fat behind
So I give in to the pressure and say it was me
I've long since abandoned my dignity
And so I've resigned, my shame is all gone
I've got too much pride, Toots McAnus lives on

Mary has a little gas
She passes everyday
Now it smells like crap in here
And the stink won't go away

One might allude
That farting is crude
That it's uncouth or rude
But that's totally skewed
It's the wrong attitude
If farting's pursued
It can lighten the mood
So, just say to that prude
'What's wrong with you, dude'
And let yesterday's food
Become the fart that you've spewed
And if you feel sick from the gas you've accrued
Take extra precautions and fart in the nude
But if all of a sudden you feel something extrude
Run to the john cause, you guessed it - you've pooed

The tale of my farts is non-fiction
My asshole has near perfect diction
I feel in my belly
That they're gonna be smelly
But I'm a fan of the ass cheeky friction

I think the last time my asshole was clean
Was way back when I was just shy of thirteen
Ever since then I've said what the hell
Now I don't notice the noise or the smell
I fart a whole lot, it's really quite common
I haven't been to a room I've not dropped a bomb in
I eat lots of fiber, I eat lots of bran
Some say I'm the cause of those quakes in Japan
But I'm not gonna stop, I'll never hold back
I love the warm feeling of gas through my crack
So to the haters I'll say, I just beg your pardon
Now get out of the way, cause I'm gonna keep fartin

This is the story of the fart that I laid
That smelled like a skunk that's mostly decayed
I tried spraying Lysol, I tried spraying Glade
I tried the Febreze, I even tried Raid
But nothing would lessen the stink my ass made
It upset the children, they were shocked and afraid
So they all got together and held hands and prayed
They longed for the day when the odor would fade
I hold out hope, but for now it has stayed