(To the tune of "Yesterday" by The Beatles)

Anal spray
I shouldn't have had that cafe au lait
At least I think that's what my ass would say
And now I deal with anal spray

Anal leaks
You can be sure that it's my ass that reeks
I've had the shits bad now for several weeks
My underwear has doody streaks

Why I
Eat so much
It's a crutch, what can I say
Now my
Asshole burns
And it churns out anal spray

Anal spray
I shouldn't have gone to that Chinese buffet
It seems the shrimp was from another day
And so I deal with anal spray

Why I
Eat so much
It's a crutch, what can I say
Now my
Asshole burns
And it churns out anal spray

Anal spray
I shouldn't have gone to that Chinese buffet
It seems the shrimp was from another day
And so I deal with anal spray

Went out to dinner with dad and with mom
I thought it'd be funny to drop a huge bomb
I decided to rip one to see what would happen
And it could've been great til I started crappin
Of course I realized that my stomach was hurting
But didn't think that a push would cause me to start squirting
Excused my self quickly and ran to the john
I haven't a clue how long I was gone
So I tossed my boxers and went back to the table
Tried to finish my meal but I just wasn't able
I'd cleaned myself up but couldn't clear the air
The smell that remained was too strong to bear
And then an idea came to me on a whim
When the waiter came by I just blamed it on him

When it comes to farting, there's no question I rule
I was farting before farting was cool
Teachers would stare when I farted at school
The kids would freak out and they'd call me a tool
I'd go off to camp and eat all the gruel
Then I'd go swimming and fart in the pool
Sometimes I'd fart just to be cruel
Like that one Simchat Torah when I farted in shul
And so I go on smelling like stool
But what can I say, I'm a fat farting fool

I'm constantly gaseous and smell like fresh doody
My bowels aren't irritable, maybe just moody

Farting at work is offensive
The thought makes me apprehensive
Because if I toot
While I'm wearing a suit
My dry cleaning gets too expensive

All the people stop and stare
When I release my stinky air
A loud enough fart and I'm on display
I force 'em to hear what my ass has to say
So I fart with abandon and the crowd gathers round
But they cringe with disgust at the splattery sound
But what do I care, farting loud's what I do
I just bet they're glad that I'm not Toots McPoo

I fart every chance that I get
My boxers are constantly wet
I'm not really happy
Unless I'm feeling crappy
And I'm thrilled when my stomach's upset

I hadn't met another who could fart worse than me
Til I dogsat a puppy who was a fart devotee
This dog was a master, a soft coated wheaton
Who'd fart like a champ, despite what he'd eaten
He'd lift up his tail and let out the gas
Then turn around and start licking his ass
He'd fart through the night with his asshole exposed
It smelled like his stomach had just decomposed
I really admired his malodorous style
He'd let out a stinker and sit there and smile
This dog had a talent, a virtuoso rear end
And that's what it takes to be Toots's best friend
He'd fart while he'd eat and he'd fart while he'd pee
He's the first one I've met who could fart worse than me

(To the tune of "You Give Love A Bad Name" by Bon Jovi)

When you pass gas
I can tell
Cause you give farts a bad smell

A gaseous boom is what I hear
You promised you wouldn't then you spread your rear
I got your stench all over me
Your passion is farting, oh this I can see

Whoa, you're a bloated one
Whoa, you must weigh a ton
Nothing can stop you
The farting's begun

When you pass gas
I can tell
Cause you give farts a bad smell, bad smell
You spread your cheeks and you unleash hell
You give farts a bad smell, bad smell
You give farts a bad smell

The odor starts below your hips
I run for cover when you take your shits
It reeks in here, it makes me cry
It stinks like a sewer when you let one fly

Whoa, you're a bloated one
Whoa, you must weigh a ton
Nothing can stop you
The farting's begun

When you pass gas
I can tell
You give farts a bad smell, bad smell
You spread your cheeks and you unleash hell
You give farts a bad smell, bad smell
You give farts a bad smell

Fourth of July and it's time for the show
I can finally rip one and no one will know
There'll be tons of people and explosions around
An ideal situation for masking the sound
I just closed my eyes and prepared for the booms
I couldn't wait to ruin my Fruit of the Looms
But I jumped the gun when I let loose and farted
Wouldn't you know it, the show hadn't started