(To the tune of "Cocaine" by Eric Clapton)

I will ready my ass to let out some gas - Methane
I will fart on your lap until your legs smell like crap - Methane
I don't mind, I don't mind, I don't mind...
Methane

You can run you can hide, Could not stop if I tried - Methane
There's not much you can do, the smell is gonna find you - Methane
I don't mind, I don't mind, I don't mind...
Methane

If you're thinking I'm done, here comes another one - Methane
If you're anywhere near, you're gonna hear from my rear - Methane
I don't mind, I don't mind, I don't mind...
Methane

I don't mind, my behind, is maligned...
Methane

(To the tune of "Purple Rain" by Prince)

I never wanted you to do my laundry
I never meant for you to see the stains
I only meant for you to hear me tooting
I only want to sit here farting in my crusty Hanes

Crusty Hanes, crusty Hanes
Crusty Hanes, crusty Hanes
Crusty Hanes, crusty Hanes
I only want to sit here farting in my crusty Hanes

I never wanted to cause you consternation
I only wanted to give a gassy serenade
I really thought you'd like my flatulation
I did not mean to fart on your parade

Crusty Hanes, crusty Hanes
Crusty Hanes, crusty Hanes
Crusty Hanes, crusty Hanes
I only want to sit here farting in my crusty Hanes

I know, I know, I know my farts are reeking
I've got another fart to give to you
That smells like poo
You say you wanna a breather
But you can't seem to escape my behind
I think you should enjoy it
And I'll acquaint you
With my crusty Hanes

Crusty Hanes, crusty Hanes
Crusty Hanes, crusty Hanes
Crusty Hanes, crusty Hanes
I only want to sit here farting in my crusty Hanes

(To the tune of "Achy Breaky Heart" by Billy Ray Cyrus)

You can tell my ass
Is ready to pass gas
You can hold your nose until I'm done
And you can tell your friend
Beware of my rear end
Hasn't been a fart-off I haven't won

You can tell your son
He better start to run
Don't think that I can hold it any more
And you can tell your girl
She should prepare to hurl
I'm gonna break some wind she can't ignore

Don't smell my fart
My very smelly fart
It's not a stink you can withstand
Cause if you smell my fart
My very smelly fart
You might throw up into your hand WHOO

You can tell your niece
I'm gonna cut the cheese
I really highly doubt she's gonna stay
But if she hangs around
She might enjoy the sound
Like when a baby horsey starts to neigh

You should tell your man
To go and buy a fan
He's gonna wanna air his trailer out
I'm gonna let one go
There's one thing that I know
The smell has caused my neighbors to pass out

Don't smell my fart
My very smelly fart
It's not a stink you can withstand
Cause if you smell my fart
My very smelly fart
You might throw up into your hand WHOO

Don't smell my fart
My very smelly fart
It's not a stink you can withstand
Cause if you smell my fart
My very smelly fart
You might throw up into your hand WHOO

I'll try to say this without being verbose
My lady and I are awfully close
But sometimes she queefs
When she's wearing my briefs
And I'm sorry, but that's fucking gross

There's something you should know and it's really kinda scary
I put on quite a show every time I have some dairy
A little milk when I awaken on my bowl of Special K
Starts my anus quakin and keeps me farting through the day
It really crossed my mind to refuse that piece of cheese
Since it causes my behind to release a noxious breeze
An ice cream cone or two and my insides start to bubble
And a cheddary fondue will surely give me trouble
Those little malted milk balls, you know I can't resist 'em
I just answer nature's calls when I put dairy in my system
I don't want no soy and I don't want Lactaid
Cause I really do enjoy when my farting is displayed