I like eating beans and I like eating fruit
and I like drinking milk because
When I eat beans or eat fruit or drink milk
my butt cheeks break into applause

I decided to hook my butt to a speaker
To draw more attention to the subtlest squeaker
Remember the sound when the gym floor met your sneaker
It sounded like that, and it sure was a reeker
But I really do wish that the voltage was weaker
Cause I singed off my ass hair when I squeezed out a leaker

Nothing to do last Saturday night
I just hung around and ordered a bite
I ate it too fast and felt not quite right
So I pushed really hard with all of my might
I strained and I struggled, so you get my plight
I really don't mean to be impolite
But the smell that emerged would cause quite a fright
The stains on my Jockeys were really a sight
You'd never have guessed that they started out white
Some tacos, some burgers and an extra large Sprite
Are the source of the farts that cause my delight

(To the tune of "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd)

So, so you think you can tell
The cause of that smell
The source of that stain
I think I need fresh air
Should I get a new pair
Of clean underwear
I think there's some over there

Did you smell what I laid
My rear, oh, it boasts
Hot gases I squeeze
Hot air from an ass sneeze
Old farts that smell strange
Should I exchange
A big loud fart I adore
For a small turd that is beige

How I itch, How I itch in my rear
Just a sore asshole squatting over the bowl
No Pepto here
Farting out of my big, fat ass
When will I pass
That pizza and beer
Itch in my rear

She asked me to give her some space
So I asked her for one last embrace
She let her guard down
But I turned around
And farted right into her face

The farts that I lay are tremendous
The smells they produce are horrendous
So no one refutes
Why I'm known as Toots
But in Latin I'm Nidor Rearendus

All the Glade in the world can't disguise
The stench that wafts from behind my thighs
It hangs in the air and begins to rise
It makes me gag, it burns my eyes
This couldn't be from that tuna surprise
Though this was unexpected, as the name implies
So as I think back, I must surmise
It must be the result of those chili cheese fries
So the gas has departed and said its goodbyes
And what's left is a smell you'll surely despise
My stomach and ass have a fair compromise
When my stomach says fart, well my asshole complies

When I'm ready to fart I get in a zone
I savor that high-pitched melodious tone
With one gaseous boom
I could clear out a room
I guess that's why I'm left alone

First day on the job and I'm there to impress
Not sure how to act, not sure how to dress
One thing I know is my stomach's a mess
It's really a shame how I deal with the stress
You know what happened, it's easy to guess
My ass had a thought it chose to express
I tried to conceal it with little success
Contritely I went to my boss to confess
Was I fired for farting? The answer is yes

I remember that day, the first week in June
Me and my girl in a sweet reverse spoon
I should have said no to that twenty third prune
There was no way to stop it, the gas would come soon
And so I released, right into her poon
The smell hung around til the next afternoon