(To the tune of "Cocaine" by Eric Clapton)

I will ready my ass to let out some gas - Methane
I will fart on your lap until your legs smell like crap - Methane
I don't mind, I don't mind, I don't mind...
Methane

You can run you can hide, Could not stop if I tried - Methane
There's not much you can do, the smell is gonna find you - Methane
I don't mind, I don't mind, I don't mind...
Methane

If you're thinking I'm done, here comes another one - Methane
If you're anywhere near, you're gonna hear from my rear - Methane
I don't mind, I don't mind, I don't mind...
Methane

I don't mind, my behind, is maligned...
Methane

(To the tune of "Purple Rain" by Prince)

I never wanted you to do my laundry
I never meant for you to see the stains
I only meant for you to hear me tooting
I only want to sit here farting in my crusty Hanes

Crusty Hanes, crusty Hanes
Crusty Hanes, crusty Hanes
Crusty Hanes, crusty Hanes
I only want to sit here farting in my crusty Hanes

I never wanted to cause you consternation
I only wanted to give a gassy serenade
I really thought you'd like my flatulation
I did not mean to fart on your parade

Crusty Hanes, crusty Hanes
Crusty Hanes, crusty Hanes
Crusty Hanes, crusty Hanes
I only want to sit here farting in my crusty Hanes

I know, I know, I know my farts are reeking
I've got another fart to give to you
That smells like poo
You say you wanna a breather
But you can't seem to escape my behind
I think you should enjoy it
And I'll acquaint you
With my crusty Hanes

Crusty Hanes, crusty Hanes
Crusty Hanes, crusty Hanes
Crusty Hanes, crusty Hanes
I only want to sit here farting in my crusty Hanes

(To the tune of "Achy Breaky Heart" by Billy Ray Cyrus)

You can tell my ass
Is ready to pass gas
You can hold your nose until I'm done
And you can tell your friend
Beware of my rear end
Hasn't been a fart-off I haven't won

You can tell your son
He better start to run
Don't think that I can hold it any more
And you can tell your girl
She should prepare to hurl
I'm gonna break some wind she can't ignore

Don't smell my fart
My very smelly fart
It's not a stink you can withstand
Cause if you smell my fart
My very smelly fart
You might throw up into your hand WHOO

You can tell your niece
I'm gonna cut the cheese
I really highly doubt she's gonna stay
But if she hangs around
She might enjoy the sound
Like when a baby horsey starts to neigh

You should tell your man
To go and buy a fan
He's gonna wanna air his trailer out
I'm gonna let one go
There's one thing that I know
The smell has caused my neighbors to pass out

Don't smell my fart
My very smelly fart
It's not a stink you can withstand
Cause if you smell my fart
My very smelly fart
You might throw up into your hand WHOO

Don't smell my fart
My very smelly fart
It's not a stink you can withstand
Cause if you smell my fart
My very smelly fart
You might throw up into your hand WHOO

I'll try to say this without being verbose
My lady and I are awfully close
But sometimes she queefs
When she's wearing my briefs
And I'm sorry, but that's fucking gross

There's something you should know and it's really kinda scary
I put on quite a show every time I have some dairy
A little milk when I awaken on my bowl of Special K
Starts my anus quakin and keeps me farting through the day
It really crossed my mind to refuse that piece of cheese
Since it causes my behind to release a noxious breeze
An ice cream cone or two and my insides start to bubble
And a cheddary fondue will surely give me trouble
Those little malted milk balls, you know I can't resist 'em
I just answer nature's calls when I put dairy in my system
I don't want no soy and I don't want Lactaid
Cause I really do enjoy when my farting is displayed

(To the tune of "Yesterday" by The Beatles)

Anal spray
I shouldn't have had that cafe au lait
At least I think that's what my ass would say
And now I deal with anal spray

Anal leaks
You can be sure that it's my ass that reeks
I've had the shits bad now for several weeks
My underwear has doody streaks

Why I
Eat so much
It's a crutch, what can I say
Now my
Asshole burns
And it churns out anal spray

Anal spray
I shouldn't have gone to that Chinese buffet
It seems the shrimp was from another day
And so I deal with anal spray

Why I
Eat so much
It's a crutch, what can I say
Now my
Asshole burns
And it churns out anal spray

Anal spray
I shouldn't have gone to that Chinese buffet
It seems the shrimp was from another day
And so I deal with anal spray

Went out to dinner with dad and with mom
I thought it'd be funny to drop a huge bomb
I decided to rip one to see what would happen
And it could've been great til I started crappin
Of course I realized that my stomach was hurting
But didn't think that a push would cause me to start squirting
Excused my self quickly and ran to the john
I haven't a clue how long I was gone
So I tossed my boxers and went back to the table
Tried to finish my meal but I just wasn't able
I'd cleaned myself up but couldn't clear the air
The smell that remained was too strong to bear
And then an idea came to me on a whim
When the waiter came by I just blamed it on him

When it comes to farting, there's no question I rule
I was farting before farting was cool
Teachers would stare when I farted at school
The kids would freak out and they'd call me a tool
I'd go off to camp and eat all the gruel
Then I'd go swimming and fart in the pool
Sometimes I'd fart just to be cruel
Like that one Simchat Torah when I farted in shul
And so I go on smelling like stool
But what can I say, I'm a fat farting fool

I'm constantly gaseous and smell like fresh doody
My bowels aren't irritable, maybe just moody

Farting at work is offensive
The thought makes me apprehensive
Because if I toot
While I'm wearing a suit
My dry cleaning gets too expensive

All the people stop and stare
When I release my stinky air
A loud enough fart and I'm on display
I force 'em to hear what my ass has to say
So I fart with abandon and the crowd gathers round
But they cringe with disgust at the splattery sound
But what do I care, farting loud's what I do
I just bet they're glad that I'm not Toots McPoo

I fart every chance that I get
My boxers are constantly wet
I'm not really happy
Unless I'm feeling crappy
And I'm thrilled when my stomach's upset

I hadn't met another who could fart worse than me
Til I dogsat a puppy who was a fart devotee
This dog was a master, a soft coated wheaton
Who'd fart like a champ, despite what he'd eaten
He'd lift up his tail and let out the gas
Then turn around and start licking his ass
He'd fart through the night with his asshole exposed
It smelled like his stomach had just decomposed
I really admired his malodorous style
He'd let out a stinker and sit there and smile
This dog had a talent, a virtuoso rear end
And that's what it takes to be Toots's best friend
He'd fart while he'd eat and he'd fart while he'd pee
He's the first one I've met who could fart worse than me

(To the tune of "You Give Love A Bad Name" by Bon Jovi)

When you pass gas
I can tell
Cause you give farts a bad smell

A gaseous boom is what I hear
You promised you wouldn't then you spread your rear
I got your stench all over me
Your passion is farting, oh this I can see

Whoa, you're a bloated one
Whoa, you must weigh a ton
Nothing can stop you
The farting's begun

When you pass gas
I can tell
Cause you give farts a bad smell, bad smell
You spread your cheeks and you unleash hell
You give farts a bad smell, bad smell
You give farts a bad smell

The odor starts below your hips
I run for cover when you take your shits
It reeks in here, it makes me cry
It stinks like a sewer when you let one fly

Whoa, you're a bloated one
Whoa, you must weigh a ton
Nothing can stop you
The farting's begun

When you pass gas
I can tell
You give farts a bad smell, bad smell
You spread your cheeks and you unleash hell
You give farts a bad smell, bad smell
You give farts a bad smell

Fourth of July and it's time for the show
I can finally rip one and no one will know
There'll be tons of people and explosions around
An ideal situation for masking the sound
I just closed my eyes and prepared for the booms
I couldn't wait to ruin my Fruit of the Looms
But I jumped the gun when I let loose and farted
Wouldn't you know it, the show hadn't started

I like eating beans and I like eating fruit
and I like drinking milk because
When I eat beans or eat fruit or drink milk
my butt cheeks break into applause

I decided to hook my butt to a speaker
To draw more attention to the subtlest squeaker
Remember the sound when the gym floor met your sneaker
It sounded like that, and it sure was a reeker
But I really do wish that the voltage was weaker
Cause I singed off my ass hair when I squeezed out a leaker

Nothing to do last Saturday night
I just hung around and ordered a bite
I ate it too fast and felt not quite right
So I pushed really hard with all of my might
I strained and I struggled, so you get my plight
I really don't mean to be impolite
But the smell that emerged would cause quite a fright
The stains on my Jockeys were really a sight
You'd never have guessed that they started out white
Some tacos, some burgers and an extra large Sprite
Are the source of the farts that cause my delight

(To the tune of "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd)

So, so you think you can tell
The cause of that smell
The source of that stain
I think I need fresh air
Should I get a new pair
Of clean underwear
I think there's some over there

Did you smell what I laid
My rear, oh, it boasts
Hot gases I squeeze
Hot air from an ass sneeze
Old farts that smell strange
Should I exchange
A big loud fart I adore
For a small turd that is beige

How I itch, How I itch in my rear
Just a sore asshole squatting over the bowl
No Pepto here
Farting out of my big, fat ass
When will I pass
That pizza and beer
Itch in my rear

She asked me to give her some space
So I asked her for one last embrace
She let her guard down
But I turned around
And farted right into her face

The farts that I lay are tremendous
The smells they produce are horrendous
So no one refutes
Why I'm known as Toots
But in Latin I'm Nidor Rearendus

All the Glade in the world can't disguise
The stench that wafts from behind my thighs
It hangs in the air and begins to rise
It makes me gag, it burns my eyes
This couldn't be from that tuna surprise
Though this was unexpected, as the name implies
So as I think back, I must surmise
It must be the result of those chili cheese fries
So the gas has departed and said its goodbyes
And what's left is a smell you'll surely despise
My stomach and ass have a fair compromise
When my stomach says fart, well my asshole complies

When I'm ready to fart I get in a zone
I savor that high-pitched melodious tone
With one gaseous boom
I could clear out a room
I guess that's why I'm left alone

First day on the job and I'm there to impress
Not sure how to act, not sure how to dress
One thing I know is my stomach's a mess
It's really a shame how I deal with the stress
You know what happened, it's easy to guess
My ass had a thought it chose to express
I tried to conceal it with little success
Contritely I went to my boss to confess
Was I fired for farting? The answer is yes

I remember that day, the first week in June
Me and my girl in a sweet reverse spoon
I should have said no to that twenty third prune
There was no way to stop it, the gas would come soon
And so I released, right into her poon
The smell hung around til the next afternoon

Standing in front of the elevator door
A few people get on, and then a few more
I'm gonna release a smell they'll abhor
That can best be described as olfactory gore
It's gonna go down as we pass the third floor
I'll fart really loud then get off on four

I love when you fart, I think it's just great
It's what I think of when I masturbate
Many will try but they can't duplicate
There are noises and smells that you can't replicate
No matter the cause, or the foods that you ate
If it lingers too long, we'll just fumigate
I don't get the derision, I don't get all the hate
I knew that I'd like it when you cleaned off your plate
It put me into a euphoria state
I bask in the odors that you helped create
Just take care to ensure that you don't defecate

Little Jack Horner
Farted in the corner
Because of some bad apple pie
He just couldn't believe it
When he bent down to squeeze it
Some shit trickled onto his thigh

I'll tell you right now that I wanna take a dump
Just squeeze one right out from the bowels of my rump
I can fart to the left and I can fart to the right
With a good plate of beans I can fart all night
I can fart alone or fart with a friend
So quietly listen to the sounds from my rear end
It could sound like a splat or a quack from a duck
And if you don't like it, well I don't give a fuck
All I gotta do is fart a little more
Just a few more times til my asshole is sore
And that's what I do, just fart everyday
From the master of farting, the great Toots McA

(To the tune of "Summer of '69" by Bryan Adams)

I got my first burrito
Bought it at the Taco Bell
Ate it til my stomach hurt
Should've known it wouldn't end well

Ordered the chalupa combo
Ate it fast, then pushed real hard
Jimmy died, Joe was unconscious
Should've gone to a salad bar

Oh, but when I look back now
I know that it was indigestion
Oh, but if I had the choice
I'd rather that than constipation
Those were the best farts of my life

Tired of all that straining
When I gotta take a poo
Spend my life down at the Wendy's
I get the number two, yeah

Sitting on my toilet bowl
You asked me how long I'd be in there
Oh, and then I felt relief
I knew that I'd have matted ass hair
Those were the best farts of my life

Oh Yeah
The chili was a dollar sixty-nine
Oh!

Man I was cutting cheese
I was fat and gassy
I needed to release
This smell's gonna last forever, forever

And now my ass is burning
Thanks to all the farts I've laid
Sometimes when I do the laundry
I get impressed with all the streaks I've made

Sitting on my toilet bowl
You asked me how long I'd be in there
Oh, and then I felt relief
I knew that I'd have matted ass hair
Those were the best farts of my life

Who denied it supplied it, or that's what they say
But what do I do about the fart I didn't lay
I'm Toots McAnus, so I know what they think
They all look at me every time there's a stink
This time I'm blameless, but how can I prove it
I have a bad rep and I need to remove it
But what good will that do, it won't change their mind
They're already disgusted by my big, fat behind
So I give in to the pressure and say it was me
I've long since abandoned my dignity
And so I've resigned, my shame is all gone
I've got too much pride, Toots McAnus lives on

Mary has a little gas
She passes everyday
Now it smells like crap in here
And the stink won't go away

One might allude
That farting is crude
That it's uncouth or rude
But that's totally skewed
It's the wrong attitude
If farting's pursued
It can lighten the mood
So, just say to that prude
'What's wrong with you, dude'
And let yesterday's food
Become the fart that you've spewed
And if you feel sick from the gas you've accrued
Take extra precautions and fart in the nude
But if all of a sudden you feel something extrude
Run to the john cause, you guessed it - you've pooed

The tale of my farts is non-fiction
My asshole has near perfect diction
I feel in my belly
That they're gonna be smelly
But I'm a fan of the ass cheeky friction

I think the last time my asshole was clean
Was way back when I was just shy of thirteen
Ever since then I've said what the hell
Now I don't notice the noise or the smell
I fart a whole lot, it's really quite common
I haven't been to a room I've not dropped a bomb in
I eat lots of fiber, I eat lots of bran
Some say I'm the cause of those quakes in Japan
But I'm not gonna stop, I'll never hold back
I love the warm feeling of gas through my crack
So to the haters I'll say, I just beg your pardon
Now get out of the way, cause I'm gonna keep fartin

This is the story of the fart that I laid
That smelled like a skunk that's mostly decayed
I tried spraying Lysol, I tried spraying Glade
I tried the Febreze, I even tried Raid
But nothing would lessen the stink my ass made
It upset the children, they were shocked and afraid
So they all got together and held hands and prayed
They longed for the day when the odor would fade
I hold out hope, but for now it has stayed

People say, 'Toots, oh won't you please train us
to mimic the noises that come from your anus"
All it takes is some heart, there's no training needed
Just stand up and fart, or if you stay seated
Move off to one side, let the gas eminate
and smile with pride at the farts you create
You don't need my help, just be a self starter
And that's all there is to become a great farter

I worked with a man named Steve L.
Who relished the farts he'd expel
His underwear would be brown
From all the times that he'd crown
And his ass smelled like high holy hell

But a little bit more about Steve
Who farted like you wouldn't believe
Never the quitter
He'd run to the shitter
He'd be in there all day and not leave

His pants were all covered in crud
A mixture of shit stains and blood
He was really grotesque
And when he shat at his desk
Well, that's when his name became Mud

I sit down to eat at my family's seder
and smile when I think how this room will smell later
I'll have a big bowl of that matzoh ball soup
And a bite of that egg will soon make me poop
I'm preparing to fart and my family knows it
So pass me that shank bone and the spoiled charoset
Give me those herbs, so tasty and bitter
I haven't got time to run to the shitter
And so I let loose, my grandma's disgusted
I smell like a sewer and my underwear's crusted
I've always had trouble with kosher digestion
My presence inevitably begs a fifth question
'Who farted in here? Toots, was that you?'
But they know it was, I'm the mad farting Jew
But there's something I do that just might surprise ya
I fart once for the room and once more for Elijah

(To the tune of "Theme from Gilligan's Island")

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
A tale of an almost shit
That started with some broccoli
And then I let one rip

The first was a silent, smelly one
The second loud and true
The nerves hit hard when the next one came
I thought I felt some poo, I thought I felt some poo

My stomach started feeling bad
That broccoli had a cost
I wish I owned a bidet
So my salad could be tossed, my salad could be tossed

I farted so hard I began to piss, on the bathroom tile
I feel ill again
I have to poo
I need some air
For my life
I pushed too hard
I profess I can
Crap like a man
I think I ruined the tile

It hurts like a bitch every time I pass gas
The trouble with having a hemorrhoidal ass
It's itchy and burns and it's sore to the touch
Some say it happened from farting too much
Now when I feel one, I quiver with fear
What I wouldn't give for a healthier rear
This is the worst, it's like a bad dream
But I'm not gonna stop, so where's the ass cream

When you feel it coming way down in your gut
Lean off to one side and ready your butt
Let that fart fly with pride and with joy
Don't warn the others, but prepare to annoy
Don't push to hard cause there's always a chance
You'll use too much strength and ruin your pants
Here's your one shot to bother the masses
You know they can't handle your odoriferous gases
But that's their problem, it shouldn't get you down
It's not their concern that your underwear's brown
You'll deal with the smell, you'll deal with the stains
Just know that the Tide can't save your Hanes

My farts are all powerful, they cause quite a breeze
They’ve knocked over buildings, they’ve uprooted trees
They’ve caused men to cough, they’ve caused men to sneeze
They’ve caused some men to fall to their knees
They’ve caused men to beg, 'oh won’t you stop please'
I really can’t help it, I have a disease
It causes my ass to blow stinky cheese
I really don’t mind it, my girl disagrees

All of you kids across this great nation
Shout out with joy, "Hooray Flatulation!"
I know they say to accept maturation
But let your assholes feel liberation
Set your cheeks free with staccato vibration
A good fart or three and you'll feel the elation
Your friends will admire with sheer adulation
As you fart in theirs faces with determination
Don't think of the chance of humiliation
Of mocking or scorn or severe condemnation
Instead feel the warmth of the fartist's creation
Bend over and squeeze with immense concentration
And do it right now without hesitation
Be smelly and loud and sans explanation
Sing out and be proud, "Hooray Flatulation!"

Lying in bed with my girl by my side
My stomach hurts, there’s grumbling inside
I let it happen, my ass opened wide
She looked at me, and then we both cried
Frankly it smelled like a sewer rat died
Another case of flatulicide

Sitting here writing in brown underwear
I smell like a toilet but I really don’t care
I’ll soon have to trim, my clumpy ass hair
Don’t cry for me, feel bad for my chair

Here I am in the middle of class
That dreaded feeling, a raw, itchy ass
I feel it coming, it’s gonna be loud
Maybe the noise will get lost in the crowd
They’re all gonna hear it, they’ll know it was me
I only can pray for a quick SBD
This is the price for that vegetable medley
Now I’m embarrassed – it was noisy and deadly

(To the tune of "Just What I Needed" by The Cars)

I went to the CVS
To get myself a treat
I couldn't decide what I should get
I just want something to eat
I asked the lady what was good
What would she buy if she could
She told me just to walk away
Forget about the treat

I asked her what did she mean
I couldn't believe what she had seen
I thought it must be urban lore
What people do inside that store
The lady cringed and shook her head
I couldn't believe just what she said
This is not the place to be
To get yourself a treat

Some people fart on the Cheez Its
Some people fart on the Twix
Some people fart on the Razzles
And they fart on the Chex Mix

I went to the CVS
To get myself a treat
I asked her to clarify
What people do with their brown eye
But I don't mind a little gas
Even from a stranger's ass
I wanna be one of the guys
And fart upon the treats

And so I'll fart on the Cheez Its
And so I'll fart on the Mounds
I'll fart on the Nutrageous
I'll turn that white chocolate brown

Some people fart on the Cheez Its
Some people fart on the Twix
Some people fart on the Razzles
And they fart on the Chex Mix

And so I'll fart on the Cheez Its
And so I'll fart on the Mounds
I'll fart on the Nutrageous
I'll turn that white chocolate brown

Today I sharted
Thought I had farted
My anus was guarded
But the feces departed
I tried to hold it, but the turds, they outsmarted
I shit my pants, God I’m retarded

I walked up to the hot dog cart
Ate too many and began to fart
My stomach hurt, I started to dance
Took another step and ruined my pants
I shouldn't have eaten all of that chow
What will my dry cleaner think of me now