(To the tune of "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd)

So, so you think you can tell
The cause of that smell
The source of that stain
I think I need fresh air
Should I get a new pair
Of clean underwear
I think there's some over there

Did you smell what I laid
My rear, oh, it boasts
Hot gases I squeeze
Hot air from an ass sneeze
Old farts that smell strange
Should I exchange
A big loud fart I adore
For a small turd that is beige

How I itch, How I itch in my rear
Just a sore asshole squatting over the bowl
No Pepto here
Farting out of my big, fat ass
When will I pass
That pizza and beer
Itch in my rear