Monday, July 16, 2012

(To the tune of "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen)

Is this my rectum?
Nobody understands
Smells like a sewer
No escape from my anal glands

Look into my eyes
Butter up my thighs and flee...
I'm just a fat ass
I need no broccoli
Because I fart real fast
Fart real slow
Bend me down
There I go
This is how my wind blows deadly fecal splatters from me
From me

Mama, just killed a man
Pressed my ass against his head
Then I farted, now he's dead
Mama, I had just had lunch
And then I went and farted in his face
Mama, ooooh, didn't mean to let one fly
If I'm not feeling better by tomorrow
Run away, run away
From my deadly fecal splatters

Too late, another one
I can feel it in my gut
And it's heading for my butt
Goodbye everybody
My ass will blow
Gonna shoot from my behind a killer toot
Mama, ooooh, my farts are gonna fly
I sometimes wish I'd never broke wind at all

I see a deadly cloud of my fart remnants
Run away, run away
Or you'll smell just like my pants
Cramping and I'm farting
Very, very startling, see?
Oh, my asshole, Oh, my asshole
Oh, my asshole, Oh, my asshole
Oh, my asshole let one go
Magnifico-o-o-o

I'm just a fat fuck nobody loves me
He's just a fart face from a shit family
Spare us the smell that is so rectum-y
Farting fast, farting slow
Should I let one go?

Jesus Christ! No, you should not let one go!
Let one go!
Jesus Christ! You should not let one go!
Let one go!
Jesus Christ! You should not let one go!
Let one go!
Should not let one go!
Let one go!
Should not let one go!
Let one go!
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Oh mama mia, mama mia
Oh mama, please don't let one go
The Taco Bell has burritos set aside for me
For me, for me!

So you think you can cork me, well give it a try
So you think you can stop me til my ass runs dry
Oh baby, can't do shit to me baby
Just gotta rip one,
Just gotta rip one from my rear

Deadly fecal splatters
Squirting out of me
Deadly fecal splatters
Deadly fecal splatters from me

Any way my wind blows...

Monday, July 9, 2012

I’ll always decide
To eat beans refried
I put ‘em away by the pound

After a plate
I just sit back and wait
For that beautiful sputtery sound

If I bend over just right
And use just enough might
I propel myself right off the ground

Monday, July 2, 2012

My asshole is really expressive
The farts I release are excessive
When my gases all frolic
My butt becomes Pollock
And the stains in my shorts are impressive

Monday, June 25, 2012

Sometimes what I do takes persistence
The people I know keep their distance
But I love to fart
So if people depart
That’s the price for my gaseous existence

Monday, June 18, 2012

It’s time for my five o’clock feeding
Burritos are what I’ll be eating
It's one meal that I’ll be completing
Some advice that don’t need repeating
If you’re near me you should be retreating
Cause my stomach and ass had a meeting
I’m gonna fart til my sphincter is bleeding

Monday, June 11, 2012

(To the tune of "You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC)

She was a gas machine
She liked her refried beans
She was the best damn farter that I ever seen

She liked her shepherd's pies
Wore a larger size
Knocking me out with her formidable thighs

She had stained underwear
From expelling her air
She crapped in her pants and didn't even care

Well her ass was shakin'
Her butt cheeks quakin'
Her stomach achin'
From too much bacon

And she, farted all night long
Yeah she, farted all night long

She farted really loud
And it made me proud
Hasn't been a gas cloud
That she disavowed

Farting like a boss
She liked her salad tossed
Had a meal fit for three
And all hope was lost

They had a special sound
Turned her undies brown
Now I'm wondering when
She'll be farting again

Cause her ass was shakin'
Her butt cheeks quakin'
Her stomach achin'
From too much bacon

And she, farted all night long
Yeah she, farted all night long

They knocked me out when she
Farted all night long
Her ass was shakin when she
Farted all night long

Yeah she farted
Yeah she farted

She really farted and she
Farted all night long
Yeah she, farted all night long
Yeah she, farted all night long
She really farted and she
Farted all night long

Yeah she farted
Yeah she farted
All night long

Monday, June 4, 2012

I remember way back at my junior high prom
I felt pretty strange - my anus was calm
When out of the blue, some thing unexpected
I thought I felt fine til my ass interjected
I tried to deny it, but my face turned bright red
My date knew the truth and she turned and she fled
I'll never forget the pants that I messed
And so I was voted the smelliest guest

Monday, May 28, 2012

so much depends
upon

a red wheel
barrow

sprayed with my
farts

the smell killed the
chickens

Monday, May 21, 2012

Eating those tacos wasn't so bright
Several bites in and I just didn't feel right
My gut started churning and made a weird noise
And so I bent over, with grace and with poise
"This one's for Frida" I shouted out loud
And let out a stinker that would make Frida proud
I don't think I've ever laid a fart that was wetter
And when it was over I felt so much better

Monday, May 14, 2012

I cause people near me to faint
Pleasant is something I ain’t
I get a real kick
Out of making folks sick
When they smell what comes out near my taint

Monday, May 7, 2012

(To the tune of "Smooth" by Santana)

Man it's a wet one
I'm pushing methane through my sweaty buns
You hear me farting and the smell irks everyone
A stench to behold

An undie shredder
A gaseous smelly butt cheek spreader
It's my reason for squeezing
It's how my bowels move

And if you smell
My couch
Your gag reflex will commence
My farts
Have that effect on the world
And you
Should really leave the room
It smells like poo

And it's just like the odor of rotting stew
Well that's the same as the aroma of a number two
It's kinda like I broke wind through a shit kazoo
Let out a fart, make it squeal
Have no regret about it

I make my ass sing
If you were here you'd see the doody stain
And every breath you'd have to hold
You wish I'd abstain
And you'd start to pout

Just ate a burrito
You'll hear the fallout from my booty hole
You feel the warming of the air
So thick and gross
I'm churning one out, now

And if you smell
My couch
Your gag reflex will commence
My farts
Have that effect on the world
And you
Should really leave the room
It smells like poo

And it's just like the odor of rotting stew
Well that's the same as the aroma of a number two
It's kinda like I broke wind through a shit kazoo
Let out a fart, make it squeal
Have no regret about it

And it's just like the odor of rotting stew
Well that's the same as the aroma of a number two
It's kinda like I broke wind through a shit kazoo
Let out a fart, make it squeal
Have no regret about it
Have no regret about it
Have no regret about it

Let out a fart, make it squeal
Have no regret about it
Have no regret about it
Have no regret about it
Have no regret about it

Monday, April 30, 2012

There once was a man named McAnus
Whose farts were both vile and heinous
But when he let one fly
We couldn't really deny
That his asshole sure did entertain us

Monday, April 23, 2012

I’ve had to fart real bad for a while
I know it ain’t pretty, but hell, it’s my style
I know that they're gross and some say that I’m vile
But when I choose to let one go, it causes me to smile

Monday, April 16, 2012

I sit on the bowl quite a lot
But I'm farting more often than not
I'm always bitching
That my asshole is itching
I should shit or just get off the pot

Monday, April 9, 2012

My farts were all smelly, this much I knew
But this one had substance, it felt like a poo
And so when I pushed, I did so with care
I wanted to fart, not shit on my chair
I tried to be cautious, but I must’ve misjudged it
Cause I looked at my chair, and I certainly fudged it
But you poop it, you scoop it, that is the rule
So I began cleaning the stool off my stool
But as I was cleaning, I felt one like before
The next thing I knew, I’d shat on the floor
I go get the mop before this all dries
And wouldn’t you know it, another surprise
So that’s why I tremble when my stomach growls
I control all my farting, just not my bowels

Monday, April 2, 2012

(To the tune of "Paint It Black" by The Rolling Stones)

I see a toilet and I want to paint it brown
I sit down on it and then I begin to crown
I see the cardboard tube where the TP belong
I panic then I see my girlfriend's pink sarong

I wipe my ass with her clothes, now they're painted brown
I used her sarong her bathrobe and her night gown
I stand up and I feel fresh as a summer rain
I put my pants back on but here it comes again...

I shit inside my pants now they're all painted brown
I take them off again and have to sit back down
I look inside my shorts and see a wad of poop
I think I'll bring this up next week when I'm in group

I lean against the lid and the whole room is rank
I fart so forcefully I break the toilet tank
There's water everywhere it's filled with shit and blood
I've gone and pushed too hard and caused this fecal flood

I see a toilet and I'm gonna paint it brown
I sit down on it and then I begin to crown
I see the cardboard tube where the TP should be
I guess I have no choice, my hand's enough for me

Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm

I want to start to paint it
Paint it brown
Brown as ass
After gas
I wanna see the bowl
Painted with my brown eye
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted
Painted brown

Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm

Monday, March 26, 2012

I ordered some egg rolls and a large crab rangoon
I can't wait for the dumplings that should be here real soon
I eat Chinese food whenever I can
Cause I love when my farts smell like moo goo gai pan

Monday, March 19, 2012

My farting is really intense
The smells I release are immense
I know that it's gross
But when people draw close
My gas is my only defense

Monday, March 12, 2012

My friends keep their distance and we talk from afar
They have to take caution when my asshole's ajar
They'd rather be beaten, they'd rather be raped
Than to be near my ass when my gas has escaped
They're simply not able to deal with the stink
I'm like a squid and my farts are the ink

Monday, March 5, 2012

My underwear begins to streak
When my ass decides to speak
My anal glands swell and leak
With every fart I try to sneak
The problem is my sphincter's weak
And once again I'm up shit's creek

Monday, February 27, 2012

Before I'll be leaving
I'll ensure you're dry heaving
By expelling a stinker or two

It's my way of enlightening
I don't mean to be frightening
It's just something that I have to do

You tell me to cease it
And please don't release it
You even have threatened to sue

But there's no use in pleading
Cause I'll soon be excreting
A sample that smells just like a poo

Monday, February 20, 2012

Walking one night with my girl arm in arm
On our way back from Knott’s Berry Farm
When out from the shadows, a man slowly crept
And all of a sudden he lunged forth and leapt
“Give me your money,” he said with a snarl
But I knew what he needed – a steaming hot carl
We both turned around and started to run
When I farted so loudly that he dropped his gun
Then my girl farted right in his direction
The smell was so putrid I got an erection
The mugger fell down and begged us to stop
But we kept on farting til I felt a plop
"That oughta stop you and put you in your place"
I said to the mugger as I shat in his face
Next time he'll think before he sticks us up
It's like we were two girls and he was our cup