People say, 'Toots, oh won't you please train us
to mimic the noises that come from your anus"
All it takes is some heart, there's no training needed
Just stand up and fart, or if you stay seated
Move off to one side, let the gas eminate
and smile with pride at the farts you create
You don't need my help, just be a self starter
And that's all there is to become a great farter

I worked with a man named Steve L.
Who relished the farts he'd expel
His underwear would be brown
From all the times that he'd crown
And his ass smelled like high holy hell

But a little bit more about Steve
Who farted like you wouldn't believe
Never the quitter
He'd run to the shitter
He'd be in there all day and not leave

His pants were all covered in crud
A mixture of shit stains and blood
He was really grotesque
And when he shat at his desk
Well, that's when his name became Mud

I sit down to eat at my family's seder
and smile when I think how this room will smell later
I'll have a big bowl of that matzoh ball soup
And a bite of that egg will soon make me poop
I'm preparing to fart and my family knows it
So pass me that shank bone and the spoiled charoset
Give me those herbs, so tasty and bitter
I haven't got time to run to the shitter
And so I let loose, my grandma's disgusted
I smell like a sewer and my underwear's crusted
I've always had trouble with kosher digestion
My presence inevitably begs a fifth question
'Who farted in here? Toots, was that you?'
But they know it was, I'm the mad farting Jew
But there's something I do that just might surprise ya
I fart once for the room and once more for Elijah

(To the tune of "Theme from Gilligan's Island")

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
A tale of an almost shit
That started with some broccoli
And then I let one rip

The first was a silent, smelly one
The second loud and true
The nerves hit hard when the next one came
I thought I felt some poo, I thought I felt some poo

My stomach started feeling bad
That broccoli had a cost
I wish I owned a bidet
So my salad could be tossed, my salad could be tossed

I farted so hard I began to piss, on the bathroom tile
I feel ill again
I have to poo
I need some air
For my life
I pushed too hard
I profess I can
Crap like a man
I think I ruined the tile

It hurts like a bitch every time I pass gas
The trouble with having a hemorrhoidal ass
It's itchy and burns and it's sore to the touch
Some say it happened from farting too much
Now when I feel one, I quiver with fear
What I wouldn't give for a healthier rear
This is the worst, it's like a bad dream
But I'm not gonna stop, so where's the ass cream

When you feel it coming way down in your gut
Lean off to one side and ready your butt
Let that fart fly with pride and with joy
Don't warn the others, but prepare to annoy
Don't push to hard cause there's always a chance
You'll use too much strength and ruin your pants
Here's your one shot to bother the masses
You know they can't handle your odoriferous gases
But that's their problem, it shouldn't get you down
It's not their concern that your underwear's brown
You'll deal with the smell, you'll deal with the stains
Just know that the Tide can't save your Hanes

My farts are all powerful, they cause quite a breeze
They’ve knocked over buildings, they’ve uprooted trees
They’ve caused men to cough, they’ve caused men to sneeze
They’ve caused some men to fall to their knees
They’ve caused men to beg, 'oh won’t you stop please'
I really can’t help it, I have a disease
It causes my ass to blow stinky cheese
I really don’t mind it, my girl disagrees

All of you kids across this great nation
Shout out with joy, "Hooray Flatulation!"
I know they say to accept maturation
But let your assholes feel liberation
Set your cheeks free with staccato vibration
A good fart or three and you'll feel the elation
Your friends will admire with sheer adulation
As you fart in theirs faces with determination
Don't think of the chance of humiliation
Of mocking or scorn or severe condemnation
Instead feel the warmth of the fartist's creation
Bend over and squeeze with immense concentration
And do it right now without hesitation
Be smelly and loud and sans explanation
Sing out and be proud, "Hooray Flatulation!"

Lying in bed with my girl by my side
My stomach hurts, there’s grumbling inside
I let it happen, my ass opened wide
She looked at me, and then we both cried
Frankly it smelled like a sewer rat died
Another case of flatulicide

Sitting here writing in brown underwear
I smell like a toilet but I really don’t care
I’ll soon have to trim, my clumpy ass hair
Don’t cry for me, feel bad for my chair