One might allude
That farting is crude
That it's uncouth or rude
But that's totally skewed
It's the wrong attitude
If farting's pursued
It can lighten the mood
So, just say to that prude
'What's wrong with you, dude'
And let yesterday's food
Become the fart that you've spewed
And if you feel sick from the gas you've accrued
Take extra precautions and fart in the nude
But if all of a sudden you feel something extrude
Run to the john cause, you guessed it - you've pooed

The tale of my farts is non-fiction
My asshole has near perfect diction
I feel in my belly
That they're gonna be smelly
But I'm a fan of the ass cheeky friction

I think the last time my asshole was clean
Was way back when I was just shy of thirteen
Ever since then I've said what the hell
Now I don't notice the noise or the smell
I fart a whole lot, it's really quite common
I haven't been to a room I've not dropped a bomb in
I eat lots of fiber, I eat lots of bran
Some say I'm the cause of those quakes in Japan
But I'm not gonna stop, I'll never hold back
I love the warm feeling of gas through my crack
So to the haters I'll say, I just beg your pardon
Now get out of the way, cause I'm gonna keep fartin

This is the story of the fart that I laid
That smelled like a skunk that's mostly decayed
I tried spraying Lysol, I tried spraying Glade
I tried the Febreze, I even tried Raid
But nothing would lessen the stink my ass made
It upset the children, they were shocked and afraid
So they all got together and held hands and prayed
They longed for the day when the odor would fade
I hold out hope, but for now it has stayed

People say, 'Toots, oh won't you please train us
to mimic the noises that come from your anus"
All it takes is some heart, there's no training needed
Just stand up and fart, or if you stay seated
Move off to one side, let the gas eminate
and smile with pride at the farts you create
You don't need my help, just be a self starter
And that's all there is to become a great farter

I worked with a man named Steve L.
Who relished the farts he'd expel
His underwear would be brown
From all the times that he'd crown
And his ass smelled like high holy hell

But a little bit more about Steve
Who farted like you wouldn't believe
Never the quitter
He'd run to the shitter
He'd be in there all day and not leave

His pants were all covered in crud
A mixture of shit stains and blood
He was really grotesque
And when he shat at his desk
Well, that's when his name became Mud

I sit down to eat at my family's seder
and smile when I think how this room will smell later
I'll have a big bowl of that matzoh ball soup
And a bite of that egg will soon make me poop
I'm preparing to fart and my family knows it
So pass me that shank bone and the spoiled charoset
Give me those herbs, so tasty and bitter
I haven't got time to run to the shitter
And so I let loose, my grandma's disgusted
I smell like a sewer and my underwear's crusted
I've always had trouble with kosher digestion
My presence inevitably begs a fifth question
'Who farted in here? Toots, was that you?'
But they know it was, I'm the mad farting Jew
But there's something I do that just might surprise ya
I fart once for the room and once more for Elijah