When I'm ready to fart I get in a zone
I savor that high-pitched melodious tone
With one gaseous boom
I could clear out a room
I guess that's why I'm left alone

First day on the job and I'm there to impress
Not sure how to act, not sure how to dress
One thing I know is my stomach's a mess
It's really a shame how I deal with the stress
You know what happened, it's easy to guess
My ass had a thought it chose to express
I tried to conceal it with little success
Contritely I went to my boss to confess
Was I fired for farting? The answer is yes

I remember that day, the first week in June
Me and my girl in a sweet reverse spoon
I should have said no to that twenty third prune
There was no way to stop it, the gas would come soon
And so I released, right into her poon
The smell hung around til the next afternoon

Standing in front of the elevator door
A few people get on, and then a few more
I'm gonna release a smell they'll abhor
That can best be described as olfactory gore
It's gonna go down as we pass the third floor
I'll fart really loud then get off on four

I love when you fart, I think it's just great
It's what I think of when I masturbate
Many will try but they can't duplicate
There are noises and smells that you can't replicate
No matter the cause, or the foods that you ate
If it lingers too long, we'll just fumigate
I don't get the derision, I don't get all the hate
I knew that I'd like it when you cleaned off your plate
It put me into a euphoria state
I bask in the odors that you helped create
Just take care to ensure that you don't defecate

Little Jack Horner
Farted in the corner
Because of some bad apple pie
He just couldn't believe it
When he bent down to squeeze it
Some shit trickled onto his thigh

I'll tell you right now that I wanna take a dump
Just squeeze one right out from the bowels of my rump
I can fart to the left and I can fart to the right
With a good plate of beans I can fart all night
I can fart alone or fart with a friend
So quietly listen to the sounds from my rear end
It could sound like a splat or a quack from a duck
And if you don't like it, well I don't give a fuck
All I gotta do is fart a little more
Just a few more times til my asshole is sore
And that's what I do, just fart everyday
From the master of farting, the great Toots McA